Son Wants Mom to Let Him Have Her Again
Last nighttime, ane of my all-time friends called my cell phone twice in one minute—our betoken for distress, the indication that I needed to option up the phone right then, even if I was in the center of dinner. I'd gotten previous distress calls when she institute a suspicious lump (the biopsy was, thank goodness, benign) and when her daughter was in an accident. I knew that any was coming on the other line wasn't adept.
"He is And then MEAN TO ME," she sobbed into the phone. "Information technology's the same crap year after twelvemonth afterwards year. I'thou at that breaking betoken where information technology doesn't seem sane to continue to take information technology."
Oh boy: I hadn't seen that coming. This is the friend whose matrimony sustains my (perhaps delusional) romantic conventionalities in marriage—the wedlock I betoken to every bit evidence that big love, deep connections, and truly equal partnerships are, in fact, possible.
But here she was struggling with the same question I've wrestled with for years: is it better for our kids if we stay in less-than-happy marriages?
Holy cow, is that a big question. And if you've ever seriously asked it, you know it tin can be an agonizing ane. In the coming weeks, I'll be blogging almost how I've answered this question for myself.
I know it's tempting to answer the question of whether or not nosotros should stay together for the kids with a simple "yes." As a social club we tend to remember that kids will do better if parents stay together; that'south what our grandparents' generation did, or tried to practice. A mediocre marriage is ameliorate for kids than no marriage, correct? We might believe this at least partly because of a hugely flawed—but very influential and well-publicized—written report by Judith Wallerstein that "showed" that kids don't notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. Wallerstein argued that unless domestic violence is a part of the picture, kids are worse off when parents divorce.
Thinking that an unhappy marriage is meliorate than no union—whether the belief comes from our family or faith or a study similar Wallerstein's—has kept a lot of unhappily married Americans in their marriages. The study, by the way, while embraced by the printing and published as a New York Times-bestselling book, has been rejected whole-heartedly by social scientists considering Wallerstein didn't use a random sample of families that had divorced or stayed married; instead, she looked at a group of divorced people with mental wellness problems. Her report doesn't meet accepted standards of scientific research, and its findings shouldn't exist generalized to families that aren't struggling with the aforementioned things for which Wallerstein's tiny sample was being treated (usually histories of mental illness, clinical depression, and suicidal tendencies).
Here is what I've gleaned from the many skillful studies I've read on the subject: Information technology is the quality of parents' relationships with each other, rather than whether they are married or single, that matters most for kids' well-being. Parental conflict isn't good for children'due south happiness, whether or not yous are married.
"Studies of two-parent families have consistently found that when a couple's relationship is characterized by unresolved conflict and unhappiness, their children tend to take more acting out aggressive behavior issues, more shy withdrawn behavior, and fewer social and academic skills," write UC Berkeley researchers Phil and Carolyn Cowan.
Furthermore, when couples aren't getting along, their irritation or anger with each other often spills over into their relationships with their children. "Some children get a double whammy," write the Cowans. They endure the consequences of both the "heated or frosty emotional tone of their parents' relationship" and the frequent event of co-parent conflict—"harsh or ineffective patterns of caring and discipline."
I've lived this: When my husband and I would fight, I would have a hard fourth dimension managing the powerful negative emotions that surfaced—anger, disappointment, hurt—while trying to go on Fiona and Molly'south routines on runway finer. And I could usually win all the awards for crappy parenting if I as well needed to handle a situation with the kids that required calm, consistent field of study. When I'g already upset, I tend to discipline the kids in a style that is, uh, not calm or collected.
And so should y'all stay together for the kids? It depends on how high-conflict your union is, how unhappy you are, and whether or not you can fix these things.
© 2009 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
References:
Cowan, P.A., and C.P. Cowan. "Strengthening Couples to Improve Children'southward Well-Being: What We Know At present." Poverty Research News vi, no. 3 (2002): 18-21.
Morrison, Donna Ruane, and Mary Jo Coiro. "Parental Disharmonize and Marital Disruption: Practise Children Benefit When Loftier-Conflict Marriages Are Dissolved?" Journal of Union and the Family 61, no. iii (1999): 626-37.
Wallerstein, Judith S. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. New York: Hyperion, 2001.
So many bloggers talk about this it is hard to know where to start (wish I had time to read them all!). LousySpouse.com is kind of funny, though not as well helpful. Penelope Trunk cites the Wallerstein inquiry like it is the last word; it isn't. Please suggest other websites in the comments!
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Source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/should_we_stay_together_for_the_kids